The Stare's Nest By My Window

The bees build in the crevices
Of loosening masonry, and there
The mother birds bring grubs and flies.
My wall is loosening; honey-bees,
Come build in the empty house of the stare.

We are closed in, and the key is turned
On our uncertainty; somewhere
A man is killed, or a house burned.
Yet no clear fact to be discerned:
Come build in the empty house of the stare.

A barricade of stone or of wood;
Some fourteen days of civil war:
Last night they trundled down the road
That dead young soldier in his blood:
Come build in the empty house of the stare.

We had fed the heart on fantasies,
The heart's grown brutal from the fare,
More substance in our enmities
Than in our love; O honey-bees,
Come build in the empty house of the stare.

(W. B. Yeats)


One of my favorite poems. Love the cadence. Love the images. That last stanza absolutely slays me.

Blogging My Fat: Week 7 (?)

I think this is week seven. And boy, I have made a piss-poor effort this month. The rugby season has ended, which means it is entirely up to me to move. Entirely up to me. Bah!

Blogging My Fat: Week 5.5

I haven't really had a fire lit under my gigantic butt yet about this weight loss thing, not even with the scary bet I have going with my parents. You'd think the threat of having to hang out with my dad every evening for a month to talk politics would have me racing towards the track most evenings after work. Maybe my lack of motivation stems from all the late meetings I have been having at City Hall or the nasty sinus infection that has kept me out of work for the last couple of days. Nahh, it is probably just that being fat is too darn easy. Crave a double cheeseburger? Hit up the drive-thru. Need a quick jolt of sugar for those sleepy afternoon hours in front of the computer monitor? Vending machines on G-12 and the observation deck. Fail to set aside time to pack a healthy lunch? You can take your pick from all of the lunch carts within a three block radius, hoof it to some super restaurant in Shockoe Bottom, or go the really lazy route and find something at the deli downstairs.

I need to find something to push me beyond this apathy. Here are some reasons I want to lose weight, in no real order:

- to inspire my tubby family members
- get a smokin' body
- relive my former rugby glory days
- better skin
- cuter clothes
- keep the diabetes that runs rampant in my family at bay
- be able to run a marathon

Sunshine

This lady has been singing the blues lately. I don't know if it is the crazy weight gain, 10111 Epsilon, or the fact that I only seem to see the sun on weekends. I've decided to start eating my lunch outside in Capitol Square every day that I possibly can and see if that can help with this low-grade depression.

It felt great going out there today. I sprawled out on the freshly cut lawn, kicked off my shoes, took out a good book, and commenced reading and slurping clam chowder. (I tend not to be one of the demure bench sitters in the square. The benches encircle the statues, and the people eating lunch there look like they are a part of some quiet religious order that worships long-dead Virginia deities.) I could practically feel my body produce Vitamin D and happiness.

The only downside to these sunny lunches, I am finding, is that I desperately want to curl up and take a nap when I return to my cold, dry office.

Blogging My Fat: Week 3 or The Revenge of the Evil Coconut Cake

Eh, things could be better. Or worse.

Our coach is kicking our lazy butts into shape at rugby practice, but work has been so crazy lately that my attendance has been sporadic. It is sad to admit it, but I am the slowest girl on the team this year. That is absolutely frickin killing me. I come home from practice and tend to my wounded pride. But onward and upward! I will use this humiliating experience to push myself to greater heights. I will lose the 45 pounds I have gained since I made the MARFU U-23 All Stars team. And then I will lose more and I will flank! And then play center! (But never wing. That wouldn't be any fun.)

But first, I need to stop wolfing down coconut cakes from Ukrop's. Seriously, I should just stay away from Ukrop's. Nothing good comes from those trips. I come back from the farmers' market laden with organic, locally grown fruits and vegetables, but when I come home from the grocery store, I find my bags filled with eclairs and chips and spreads that have ingredients lists that include naughty things like cream cheese and sour cream. Things that are super processed and have been trucked in from all over the country. I definitely don't need to be putting that crap in my body.

The plan for this week:
Take measurements
Eat more yogurt
Walk on non-rugby days

10 Things

Every night I thank God for ten things before I go to bed. I thought I might share tonight's ten:

• co-workers who talk books with me
• swiffer mops
• short grass in the backyard (which means Molly is much more agreeable to going out and doing her business each morning)
• crock pots
• Mr. P calling me back with the info I needed
• Cabot seriously sharp white cheddar
• Sunshine and lunch in Capitol Square
• The squirrels around Capital Square. Dude, seriously. They will eat out of your hand.
• The Library of Virginia's digital collections
• local apples

Blogging My Fat: Week 2

Exercise gives your endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands.

On the upside, I've started back with rugby and have been eating more fruits and vegetables. On the downside, I can't stop shoveling food into my gob. I'm unusually blue as of late, which is making me eat more. And the more I eat, the less I move around. And the less I move, the more blue I get. It is a nasty cycle.

Goals for the week: Move more. Reread Animal, Vegetable, Miracle. Stretch. Walk Molly on a cool September morning just before the sun comes up.

Can't Escape

I think the pink and blue flowered wallpaper in Gmom's spare bedroom is about to put me over the edge. This kind of reminds me of a short story I had to read in college about this woman who slowly went crazy, and as she declines she becomes obsessed with the yellow wallpaper in her room, imagining women trapped behind the pattern, creeping around. Sometimes I feel as though all of the flowers are going to jump off of the wall and rush the bed.

It is unbelievably difficult living a life where nothing is yours. The furniture, the curtains, the pink sheets, the stacks of National Geographics, the shows she watches in the evenings. And you know you can't suggest any dramatic changes because that might upset her equilibrium. And then you feel guilty and ungrateful and even more wretched than before.

Eh, it could be worse. The wallpaper could be that shiny metallic paper with the women's turbaned heads that used to be in Grandmother Easterling's guest bathroom.

Blogging My Fat: Beginnings

The chub is getting to be a bit much. I'm going to be chronicling my weight loss on this blog each week in hopes that this very public chronicling will help hold me accountable. It looks like I'll need to lose about 80 pounds to get into a healthy range (yikes!), so this is going to be one long journey.

For the coming week, I plan on focusing on incorporating more fruits and veggies into my diet. I'll also be going back to rugby practice, which I dread because of the weight gain.

My other blog is famous!

...at least at the local level.

The Shockoe Examiner got a nice write-up in Buttermilk and Molasses. You know you have arrived in the blogging world when you are on John Sarvay's radar. Woohoo!

Now if only more than two people would read this blog. Haha!

Weekend Recap

up early - South of the James Market - gorging myself on blackberries and other yummy market finds - library - reading - taking the nephew to see Transformers 2 - pot roast supper w/ the fam - Facebook stalking - bed late - up late - church w/ the gmom - taking niece to see the otters at Maymont - hanging around in the bro's apartment (watching 30 minutes of Twilight might or might not have been involved) - Tom Collinses with the folks - laundry - bed

Experience

Some men break your heart in two,
Some men fawn and flatter,
Some men never look at you;
And that cleans up the matter.

(Dorothy Parker)

Favorite Edgar Allan Poe Poem

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were---I have not seen
As others saw---I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I lov'd, I loved alone.
Then---in my childhood---in the dawn
Of a most stormy life---was drawn
From ev'ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that 'round me roll'd
In its autumn tint of gold---
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass'd me flying by---
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

Happiness Is...

Fresh blackberries from the South of the James Market

Sunday night thunderstorms

Amazing the Gmom with online bridal registries

Low-fat squash casserole that tastes just like the full-fat version

Zinnias for the office

Spooning with my dog

Blogging History

Hey, I've gotten involved with a group of history nerds, and we're joining forces to blog about the history of our fair city. Check us out: theshockoeexaminer.blogspot.com

The Garden

"The world is too much with us," wrote William Wordsworth in a sonnet that conveyed how disappointed he was in humanity's failure to appreciate nature's beauty. Instead, people are too caught up in the rat race of existence. I could be tarred with that same brush most of the time, but whenever I step into Grandmom's backyard, I am immediately awed. Here are some photos of the garden this year:

The garden in its infancy. Note the large bush of lavender that dominates.

We put St. Francis in the garden in honor of Grandpa, a man of God and lover of nature.

The bumble bees favor the lavender over any other plant in the garden. They buzz around as if drunk on it.

The honeybees prefer the cucumber blossoms.


St. Francis, now almost hidden by the flowers.

Zinnias, lavender, and dill. Who knew dill was so lovely?

Mom's poppies are a gorgeous addition, but they only last a couple of days after they bloom.

Attack of the cucumbers!

Grandmom and I have started composting again.

The garden from the rear. I unfortunately couldn't get all of it in one shot. The side with the cukes is missing.

Pretty pink zinnias. I can't wait to cut some and take them to the office.

Matisse said that there are always flowers for those who want to see them. There are certainly flowers enough in our garden!

The animals adore our backyard. Birds, squirrels, deer, you name it. It is quite nice to wake up to birdsong every morning.

The yard isn't as manicured as it used to be when Gmom and Grandpa were youngsters in their 70s and 80s. This used to be a neat little flower bed with lillies of the valley. Now it is a wilderness of berry brambles. I think the birds prefer it the way it is now.

The squirrels, deer, and wasps (!) love the apple trees and the fruit they bear.

City Hall is going to drive me to drink...

...or at least eat alot of cookies.

Uhh, Don't Know What to Make of This

So one of my colleagues comes into my office and tells me that she and one of the older men in the department were talking, and that he said that back in his homeland, I am their idea of the perfect body.

All four of the following thoughts instantly crossed my mind:

1. Dude, that is really creepy. Do you think I should make note of the date and time in case he says something else? Is this going to escalate, and one day cadaver dogs are going to find my body in a shallow grave in the forest?
2. Wow, kind of flattering.
3. Duuuuuuude, this is creepy.
4. There are places where men like chunky women? Sign me up!

So yeah, not sure what to make of this.

Wedding Gift Ideas

I have three weddings to attend this summer, which means I will need to purchase three wedding gifts. I assume each of the lovely ladies has her own registry, which will make picking out something a snap, though it seems a tad cold and impersonal to be honest. This in turn has led me to dwell on what I would like to receive, should I ever be so fortunate as to find the love of my life and somehow convince him to want to marry me.

Here ya go:

• Plants for a garden (flower or vegetable)
• Offers to help with home repairs or yard work
• A donation to one of my favorite charities
• Collections of well-loved recipes
• Photographs of friends and family
• Your favorite book of all time (as long as it is not Kerouac's On The Road)
• Your favorite movie of all time
• Cooking lessons
• Offers to pet sit while we are on vacation
• Memberships to the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts
• Memberships to the Lewis Ginter Botanical Garden
• Memberships to the Science Museum of Virginia
• Memberships to the Valentine Richmond History Center

A Day in the Life: Weekend Edition

Tomorrow I plan to...

deliver Mother's Day gifts
take the nieces and nephew out to ride bikes
laundry
visit my cousin and his wife at their new house
work at the office on my public art commission presentation for Monday
church w/ the gmom
clean out the car

So much for a day of rest.

One day I will...

go to Italy
run a marathon
read Romeo and Juliet
enjoy red wine
be on top of everything at work
finish Jude the Obscure
make a road trip
get a facial
start a Roth IRA
camp

Easter 2009

My adorable nieces and nephews!

I won't subject you to my 25 things on facebook...

...but if you are interested, here are 25 random things you probably never knew about me.

1. I brush my teeth with my eyes closed
2. I am obsessive about washing my sheets every Sunday
3. Was thrilled when someone told me my name sounded like it came out of a Jane Austen novel
4. Have problems with self control, which is why I have never allowed myself to do certain things
5. Only wore makeup to school one day in my entire life (elementary school - concealer - because I cut my face up in a rollerskating accident and it was picture day)
6. I hate it when people spit on the sidewalk
7. Have probably paid well over a thousand dollars in library fines in my life
8. Paid for my own school supplies and field trips during elementary school (we was po)
9. Operated on worms as a little kid (not in a sick, sadistic way, but in an I'm going to heal you kind of way)
10. I am still angry that I was put in the next-to-best reading group in first grade. Meghan Knight was the only person in the Whales reading group, and to this day I believe I deserved to be in the same group. Oh, and I also hold grudges.
11. Read and love 19th century British literature and trashy romance novels
12. My dog sleeps in my bed every night
13. My grandmom told me that she thinks my future husband will have a problem with #12. She also told some family members that I don't need a man because the dog is keeping my bed warm for me. She has also told me that she is worried about my future because I am so opinionated, and that my future husband probably won't like the way I make my bed. She grates on my nerves sometimes.
14. I think I'm the only one in my immediate family who manages money well
15. Have never been in love
16. I park near a pond and sit in the car and read a book when I really need to get away from people
17. Was almost named Ruth
18. Adore my morning bus driver
19. Have never kissed anyone
20. Have an amazing sense of smell, but bad eyes and ears
21. Am not very approachable if I don't know you
22. Don't own any white underwear.(Is this too much information?)
23. Love magic tricks
24. Feel awkward in most social situations
25. Don't drink coffee

home is where you hang your cleats

I have been thinking alot lately about what it means to be content. Is it different from being happy? Is one automatically happy if one is content?

I like to bitch about having to live with my 91 year old grandmother. How it drives me crazy when she puts my rugby shorts in the dryer on high, how it rankles me every time I have to let her know where I am going, how I no longer get to watch tv in the evening because she stays glued to Fox News until it is time for bed. I create these laundry lists of grievances in my head, but then I feel bad for thinking such mean, petty thoughts. I mean hey, how awesome is is to live rent free and have someone to take your dog out for potty breaks during the middle of the day? She is a sweet lady, and I love her, but the house certainly doesn't feel like home, which is what upsets me the most.

The intangible feeling of home is elusive, and at times I don't think I'll ever experience it. I have never felt completely at ease in any of the places I have lived, and have wasted my daydreams building the fluffiest of castles in the air, places where I feel peaceful and happy. I care fiercely about family and friends, but no one has ever made me want to say this is where I belong.

Momma, please don't make me go out in the snow!

Read This

I haven't been inspired by a book in a long, long time. Kingsolver makes a real case for not just eating locally, but also for how important it is to understand the origins of the food we eat. Two Thumbs Up.

A New Year

And so this is Christmas
I hope you had fun
Another year over
And a new one just begun...

I always start the year off with the same old resoultions, and each year I end up disappointing myself after a couple of weeks. This year I am going to try to be a little more concrete, a little more creative. And I'm going to try to have fun with them.

- learn more about my city by walking, biking, jogging, and hiking it
- take a greater interest in gardening and preparing meals
- prepare for the future: minimize purchases, save money for a house, and invest in a Roth IRA
- go back over my German or learn Italian
- let God direct me in all things

I want to have more joy. We'll see how far I get.